All homes will have a permanent cement or stainless steel manger scene installed in the front yard. Care of said manger will be severely watched and judged. Penalties for faulty care will be grave (for apartments, one manger scene will be provided per building and the care will fall to the landlord).
Another installment in homes will be a live pine tree in the living room. Cared for with specially treated water to keep the tree at a specified pre approved height, and seasonal (As in Summer Christmas, Fall Christmas, Winter Christmas and Spring Christmas) themed decorations will be made available. The tree can also be redecorated for such occasions as Birthday Christmas, Anniversary Christmas, and the 4th of Christmas. All holidays NOT affiliated with Christmas will be renamed by simply adding the pro-fix "Christmas" to them. Thereby making them 100% more Christmassy. Hallowchristmas, Easter Christmas, and Thankschristmas are just to name a few.
Major soda companies will make new flavors in the name of Christmas, such as: Cokenog, Pepsicane, and Dr. Sugarplum. Jesus and Santa will be combined to form a bizarre looking clown-like savior that brings moral denizens coupons and ad brochures to make their shopping needs easier; he will wear a sandwich board with various festive slogans and ads and be named either "Santa Christ" or "Jesus Claus". There will be a vote to determine the name.
Furthermore; The Infamous Black Friday will become a mandatory shopping experience. If you are found in your home NOT shopping, and cannot produce a receipt proving you had BEEN shopping you will be locked in a Macy's and not allowed to leave until all of your shopping needs are met. If you have no shopping needs some will be provided for you.
All homeless people will be decorated as Elves or provided with bells, Santa suits, and festive buckets to make them more acceptable to the holiday. Christmas day (December 25th) will remain the culmination and pinnacle of the year, but New Years Christmas will be moved to December 26th to mark the start of the new shopping season. People who cannot afford Christmas will be moved to the "No Xmas Zone"; a desolate piece of desert in Arizona. There, they will be placed in Christmastration camps and fed 1 mashed potato, and 1 candycane a day. They will also hold weekly mass around the Christmass tree and sing hymns from the Sunday coupon section. People of alternate faiths will be assimilated into the spirit of Christmas. Things like Menorah’s, dreidels, and Turbans will be repurposed in the spirit of Christmas by being colored in either the traditional Red and Green, Red and white striped, or by having a decoration added (Such as a snowman, snowflake, gingerbreadman, etc..).
All bands/ musicians will be required to put at least one Christmas themed song on every release, and all television shows will be required to run a minimum of 2 Christmas themed episodes. All movies will contain at least 2 of the following: A Christmas tree appearing in no less than 10% of the film, A manger scene appearing in no less than 6% of the film, a peaceful scene set in newly falling snow lasting no less than 5 minutes, A snowman with a top hat and carrot nose appearing in no less than 4% of the film, a red door with a pine wreath hanging upon it, A character portraying Santa Christ/ Jesus Claus, and/or a touching scene where a boy meets his father for the first time to be filmed inside a major department store of the directors choice.
US currency will be redesigned in greens and reds and Santa hats will be placed on the heads of all the presidents. "In god we trust" will be replaced with "In Christmas we trust". The pyramid on the back of the dollar will be changed to a Christmas tree, and all plants illustrated on paper money will be replaced by holly leaves and berries. The tail sides of all coins will be changed, and one of the 8 tiny reindeer will appear on the heads side.
All people in the U.S.A. will celebrate Christmas at all times or face the consequences.
This is the NCO. This is the future.
In Christmas we trust; Merry Life.
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